Is the art of conversation dead? I recently found myself in the disconcerting situation where I was talking with someone, said something on a topic important to me and the other person reacted by completely ignore my comments and then refocused the conversation back on themselves. Huh?
In another social circumstance, a group conversation was thwarted by 1 person's continual questioning of another, while the rest if the group looked on startled.
Am I a dinosaur? Don't answer that...... I believe that conversation is a dialogue between two or more people who alternately talk and listen and try to include everyone present in the conversation. My parents considered that good manners. Conversation is sharing thoughts, ideas and feelings and is about connecting and engaging with other people. Like most social interactions, conversation has many levels. Conversation can be shallow and superficial or sublime and profound.
Let me share with you the first rule for conversation 101: peoples' favorite topic is themselves. We are fascinated by our thoughts, our feelings, our situations and life events. We talk about ourselves to friends, to strangers, to colleagues and to bosses. We process endlessly and ruminate constantly about how things affect us. Have you ever stop to count the number of thoughts in your brain about yourself? Your opinions, your ideas? The number is staggering, trust me on this. Truly we all believe that we each are the center of the universe. Ok, maybe the Dalai Lama knows differently.
Given that peoples' favorite topic of conversation is themselves, it stands to reason that a person wants their listener's attention, acknowledgement and response to whatever is being said. In the scenario I presented above, I wanted my listener to acknowledge what I had just shared by some kind of comment or question which pertained to what I said. The comment or question didn't have to be profound, just attentive, showing some degree of interest on their part. By changing the subject and not commenting, I felt dismissed. Feeling dismissed and a bit dishonored didn't feel good at all. And I certainly did not want to then give my attention/interest to the rest of what that person was saying. In the actual conversation, I ended our talk pretty quickly after that.
In the second scenario, I, or any other member of the group, could have interrupted the two and refocused the conversation in a different direction. The two parties involved also could have recognized that they were involved in an intimate conversation not appropriate for a group setting.
Oh, it's all very complicated and all very easy at the same time. I'm sure your mother taught you not to interrupt someone when they're talking. Being quiet while someone else is speaking is an active state. Being quiet means listening to what they're saying and being engaged in the situation, i.e. being in the moment. Being here, being now, is a state very difficult to maintain for the average American. We're so use to doing, doing, doing that being feels a little awkward and foreign to us. Most people desire to be seen, to be heard, to count, to matter. Having great listening skills and communication skills go a long way to really connecting with people. If you reframe a comment someone else made, i.e. say in your own words what the other person just said, you demonstrate an understanding of that person. It's very simple really and helps to clarify that what the person said is what you heard. Asking a question shows interest. By the way, you may not know that the person asking questions holds the power. Many of us think that the person making statements has the power but in actuality the person asking the questions is guiding and commanding the conversation. It's very sneaky sometimes but true. Just ask a therapist or a life coach. Acknowledging what a person is going through (gosh, that sounds frustrating or wow, I'm so proud of you) demonstrates that you have empathy and sensitivity. In a world of so much electronic communication (like this e-blog), real connection is hard to come by.
Next time someone makes a comment about a personal situation, hold your tongue and wait for the pause. Then, ask a pertinent question or reframe what they just said or acknowledge the emotion(s) around their comments. Remember the saying (who said this anyway?): God give us 1 mouth and 2 ears, we should listen twice as much as we speak. Good advice for all of us.
In Health,
Laura
Friday, February 6, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
GroundHog Day
Today is February 2nd, GroundHog Day. The day when Punxsutawney Phil makes his appearance and indicates whether or not we have another 6 weeks of winter. He actually doesn't indicate anything willingly-poor old Punxsutawney Phil gets yanked out of his crib and displayed to the media. If I were him, I forecast another 6 years of winter for that insult!
Today is my brother's birthday too, so Happy Birthday Greg. GroundHog Day is also a popular movie released a number of years ago starring Bill Murray. The theme of the movie is that the day is an endless loop-unpleasant events repeating over and over again. Some episodes of Star Trek, X-Files and Buffy The Vampire Slayer (my fav!) also explore this idea.
Well, never mind about a time loop for your life-sorry to say that change is inevitable and constant. Forget death and taxes, it's change which is the master. If you don't believe that, look at your life. I can guarantee you that you are not the same today as you were last year or 2 years ago or 5 years ago. From the cells in your body to specific details of your life. Take a minute, do a quick life review and see if you agree.
As a whole, we generally resist change. Change is viewed as a negative, things which are unpleasant and unwanted in our lives (ergo the whole death and taxes idea). As I look at our new administration, changes happening at my work and the potential new chapter of my life unfolding, it strikes me that rather than resisting change, it may be a much better idea to embrace change. Especially since it's going to happen whether you want it to or not. What's the phrase? Resistance is futile. If I resist the changes I don't like, I create disturbance and imbalance in my mind and body. My resistance doesn't necessarily stop the changes, unless I have the ability to directly affect what's happening. The majority of time, I do not. In general, I can only affect my thoughts and actions, that's about it.
Since I desire good health, it behooves me to look at any energy I may be wasting on resisting changes I can't control. Instead a much more positive use of that energy is in service to my own goals, accepting gracefully that change is indeed the master of life. At least that's my plan and I'm stickin' to it. You all know how much I love plans!
I also find it very helpful to remind myself of the abundance of wonderful gifts I have received throughout my lifetime-gifts of people, things, opportunities, kindnesses, humor, love. Appreciation and gratefulness go a long way towards mitigating the fear and anxiety that we often feel when approaching change and newness. Besides what about positive changes? Is that phrase an oxymoron, like "jumbo shrimp"? Maybe it's an attitude thing. For me, I'm going to view change as the natural order of things and find at least a neutral perspective, if not a positive one. That's today plan.........
Happy Ground Hog Day!
What change(s) will you embrace today?
In Health,
Laura
Today is my brother's birthday too, so Happy Birthday Greg. GroundHog Day is also a popular movie released a number of years ago starring Bill Murray. The theme of the movie is that the day is an endless loop-unpleasant events repeating over and over again. Some episodes of Star Trek, X-Files and Buffy The Vampire Slayer (my fav!) also explore this idea.
Well, never mind about a time loop for your life-sorry to say that change is inevitable and constant. Forget death and taxes, it's change which is the master. If you don't believe that, look at your life. I can guarantee you that you are not the same today as you were last year or 2 years ago or 5 years ago. From the cells in your body to specific details of your life. Take a minute, do a quick life review and see if you agree.
As a whole, we generally resist change. Change is viewed as a negative, things which are unpleasant and unwanted in our lives (ergo the whole death and taxes idea). As I look at our new administration, changes happening at my work and the potential new chapter of my life unfolding, it strikes me that rather than resisting change, it may be a much better idea to embrace change. Especially since it's going to happen whether you want it to or not. What's the phrase? Resistance is futile. If I resist the changes I don't like, I create disturbance and imbalance in my mind and body. My resistance doesn't necessarily stop the changes, unless I have the ability to directly affect what's happening. The majority of time, I do not. In general, I can only affect my thoughts and actions, that's about it.
Since I desire good health, it behooves me to look at any energy I may be wasting on resisting changes I can't control. Instead a much more positive use of that energy is in service to my own goals, accepting gracefully that change is indeed the master of life. At least that's my plan and I'm stickin' to it. You all know how much I love plans!
I also find it very helpful to remind myself of the abundance of wonderful gifts I have received throughout my lifetime-gifts of people, things, opportunities, kindnesses, humor, love. Appreciation and gratefulness go a long way towards mitigating the fear and anxiety that we often feel when approaching change and newness. Besides what about positive changes? Is that phrase an oxymoron, like "jumbo shrimp"? Maybe it's an attitude thing. For me, I'm going to view change as the natural order of things and find at least a neutral perspective, if not a positive one. That's today plan.........
Happy Ground Hog Day!
What change(s) will you embrace today?
In Health,
Laura
Monday, January 5, 2009
GRE's are fini.......
I took my GRE's this AM and I survived. Yay me! The results are fairly good-a high verbal score and not so high math score. Fortunately, the verbal score is the more important of the two for my program. Be very, very, VERY thankful that I don't design bridges!
We'd all be in serious trouble. Really, we would.
There was also a writing section which has to be read and scored by humans (imagine that). I should receive those scores in about 2 weeks.
Next up, finishing and submitting my application, starting the financial aid stuff and then, ta da!
my trip to DC to interview at the school and explore the area for jobs and apartments.
In health (and vastly relieved the test is over),
Laura
We'd all be in serious trouble. Really, we would.
There was also a writing section which has to be read and scored by humans (imagine that). I should receive those scores in about 2 weeks.
Next up, finishing and submitting my application, starting the financial aid stuff and then, ta da!
my trip to DC to interview at the school and explore the area for jobs and apartments.
In health (and vastly relieved the test is over),
Laura
Sunday, January 4, 2009
appreciation and aspirations part 2
I'm fascinated by the concept of Feng Shui-literally translated as "wind-water", a Chinese philosophy utilizing the laws of heaven and Earth to help improve one's life by receiving positive Qi (Chi-energy).
Adopted by many in the Western world, the system of Feng Shui traditionally has been used to decide purchases of land, the placement of a residence or business on that land, room arrangement and position of furniture as well as where to locate a final resting place for burial.
Many schools of Feng Shui exist, which I won't get into here. I'm not very knowledgeable about the subject matter beyond what I've written. I won't do disservice to the long history and continued respect for the ideas that the Chinese have.
The New Age concept of "clutter" has been added to this ancient system and it is this that I want to address for my continued discussion of my aspirations.
Clutter can be physical or mental/emotional clutter. Clutter, a catch-all phrase for messiness or unneeded or unwanted things, is best defined as "you know when you see it", not a definition at all but a visceral sense. Women (and some men) know that cleaning closets or file cabinets can be close to a cathartic experience. The general premise is that for new (better) energy to come in, old (bad) energy must be released. If you clean your closet of things you've outgrown, you are preparing for better things to enter. Sort of a nature abhors a vacuum idea.
Back in Boston, my house had enormous physical clutter so I hired a professional organizer to help whip me into ship-shape. And boy did she ever! I can't say it was fun but the whole process sure was enlightening and ultimately very needed and inspiring. And yes, a bit overwhelming emotionally. It's amazing how must we invest things with our feelings and energy. They're just immaterial objects. Somehow we think that our things are pieces of ourselves and that if we throw away a dress or knick-knack, we're discarding some part of ourself.
Now, here in California, I have little physical clutter although some emotional clutter. I tend to hold on to people. The issue here is that the people I most hold on to are those no longer in my life.
See, a bit of a problem, yes? I keep thinking that someday they'll change or the situation will change or somehow we can fix whatever went wrong and poof! everything is better. That's pretty delusional actually. A major aspiration for me for 2009 is to let go of these ideas and move forward with a clear conscience. Otherwise, new and better situations, whatever they may be, cannot enter. I can always have hope that things can change, hope is free after all, however I don't need to emotionally cling to the situation.
I haven't yet completely figured out how to clean my emotional closet, however, I am confident that the solution will come.
As for you, I challenge you to all take stock of your possible clutter whether that be physical or emotional and see if there are things you can release. It's sometimes painful but very rewarding to make that space in your life. Give it a try.
In health (and almost clutter-free!),
Laura
Adopted by many in the Western world, the system of Feng Shui traditionally has been used to decide purchases of land, the placement of a residence or business on that land, room arrangement and position of furniture as well as where to locate a final resting place for burial.
Many schools of Feng Shui exist, which I won't get into here. I'm not very knowledgeable about the subject matter beyond what I've written. I won't do disservice to the long history and continued respect for the ideas that the Chinese have.
The New Age concept of "clutter" has been added to this ancient system and it is this that I want to address for my continued discussion of my aspirations.
Clutter can be physical or mental/emotional clutter. Clutter, a catch-all phrase for messiness or unneeded or unwanted things, is best defined as "you know when you see it", not a definition at all but a visceral sense. Women (and some men) know that cleaning closets or file cabinets can be close to a cathartic experience. The general premise is that for new (better) energy to come in, old (bad) energy must be released. If you clean your closet of things you've outgrown, you are preparing for better things to enter. Sort of a nature abhors a vacuum idea.
Back in Boston, my house had enormous physical clutter so I hired a professional organizer to help whip me into ship-shape. And boy did she ever! I can't say it was fun but the whole process sure was enlightening and ultimately very needed and inspiring. And yes, a bit overwhelming emotionally. It's amazing how must we invest things with our feelings and energy. They're just immaterial objects. Somehow we think that our things are pieces of ourselves and that if we throw away a dress or knick-knack, we're discarding some part of ourself.
Now, here in California, I have little physical clutter although some emotional clutter. I tend to hold on to people. The issue here is that the people I most hold on to are those no longer in my life.
See, a bit of a problem, yes? I keep thinking that someday they'll change or the situation will change or somehow we can fix whatever went wrong and poof! everything is better. That's pretty delusional actually. A major aspiration for me for 2009 is to let go of these ideas and move forward with a clear conscience. Otherwise, new and better situations, whatever they may be, cannot enter. I can always have hope that things can change, hope is free after all, however I don't need to emotionally cling to the situation.
I haven't yet completely figured out how to clean my emotional closet, however, I am confident that the solution will come.
As for you, I challenge you to all take stock of your possible clutter whether that be physical or emotional and see if there are things you can release. It's sometimes painful but very rewarding to make that space in your life. Give it a try.
In health (and almost clutter-free!),
Laura
Saturday, January 3, 2009
appreciation and aspirations
The beginning of a new year is always a good time for review and reflection and looking ahead to our next steps forward. I'm not a big believer in resolutions per se. I certainly am into goals and planning. People who know me well recognize that I am a total Type A planner and organizer.
That's probably apparent even to those who know me casually!
In my professions as a flute teacher and personal trainer, I've set many goals myself and helped dozens of my students and clients identify and set their own goals. In most cases, we've achieved what we wanted. This is definitely cause for celebration!
Instead of doing the standard resolution dealio or even the goal-setting scenario, for 2009, let me give you a different model: appreciation and aspirations.
I firmly believe in savoring life and to me that means appreciating the fullness of what's been given to me. Specifically I think of all the wonderful people I'm in contact with, from clients and class participants to club members, my colleagues, friends, family and students. Also my friends back East as well as family in Maine, New Jersey and Vancouver, BC. New friends, old friends, friends I'm about to meet. I also appreciate most of my personal traits-like anything else these can be both a blessing and a curse depending on your perspective!
In general, appreciating my life is an area I feel comfortable with; I regularly give thanks and blessings for what I have. However, one of my aspirations is to more fully enjoy all my good fortune.
I tend towards the ascetic lifestyle and can be a hermit pretty easily. Some of that is due to my
job. I'm in customer service and love my clients, however, I find that I need time by myself. Maybe it's also all the years spent in a practice room, working on my flute skills. I generally like my own company and I can amuse myself very well.
I find that it's easy for me to slip into the rut of working, working out and sleeping. I do have to point out that I'm not all work and no play. Since I LOVE to exercise, I consider working out to be my play time.
I see, though, that I could more fully enjoy the wonderful life I've created here in California.
The Bay area is such a great place. I've been to some fun events and want to do more.
I will share with you several ways I want to savor my time in CA for 2009:
go to the Ballet 3x
attend 2-3 concerts at Biscuits and Blues (love Biscuits and Blues!)
go to the "new" Yoshi's in Fillmore (well, it's not really new, I just haven't been there)
explore more of the museums and special events in SF
I'll continue with more aspirations in the next post, "appreciation and aspirations part 2".
In Health (and Happy New Year!)
Laura
That's probably apparent even to those who know me casually!
In my professions as a flute teacher and personal trainer, I've set many goals myself and helped dozens of my students and clients identify and set their own goals. In most cases, we've achieved what we wanted. This is definitely cause for celebration!
Instead of doing the standard resolution dealio or even the goal-setting scenario, for 2009, let me give you a different model: appreciation and aspirations.
I firmly believe in savoring life and to me that means appreciating the fullness of what's been given to me. Specifically I think of all the wonderful people I'm in contact with, from clients and class participants to club members, my colleagues, friends, family and students. Also my friends back East as well as family in Maine, New Jersey and Vancouver, BC. New friends, old friends, friends I'm about to meet. I also appreciate most of my personal traits-like anything else these can be both a blessing and a curse depending on your perspective!
In general, appreciating my life is an area I feel comfortable with; I regularly give thanks and blessings for what I have. However, one of my aspirations is to more fully enjoy all my good fortune.
I tend towards the ascetic lifestyle and can be a hermit pretty easily. Some of that is due to my
job. I'm in customer service and love my clients, however, I find that I need time by myself. Maybe it's also all the years spent in a practice room, working on my flute skills. I generally like my own company and I can amuse myself very well.
I find that it's easy for me to slip into the rut of working, working out and sleeping. I do have to point out that I'm not all work and no play. Since I LOVE to exercise, I consider working out to be my play time.
I see, though, that I could more fully enjoy the wonderful life I've created here in California.
The Bay area is such a great place. I've been to some fun events and want to do more.
I will share with you several ways I want to savor my time in CA for 2009:
go to the Ballet 3x
attend 2-3 concerts at Biscuits and Blues (love Biscuits and Blues!)
go to the "new" Yoshi's in Fillmore (well, it's not really new, I just haven't been there)
explore more of the museums and special events in SF
I'll continue with more aspirations in the next post, "appreciation and aspirations part 2".
In Health (and Happy New Year!)
Laura
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