The Art of Conversation part 1

Is the art of conversation dead? I recently found myself in the disconcerting situation where I was talking with someone, said something on a topic important to me and the other person reacted by completely ignore my comments and then refocused the conversation back on themselves. Huh?

In another social circumstance, a group conversation was thwarted by 1 person's continual questioning of another, while the rest if the group looked on startled.

Am I a dinosaur? Don't answer that...... I believe that conversation is a dialogue between two or more people who alternately talk and listen and try to include everyone present in the conversation. My parents considered that good manners. Conversation is sharing thoughts, ideas and feelings and is about connecting and engaging with other people. Like most social interactions, conversation has many levels. Conversation can be shallow and superficial or sublime and profound.

Let me share with you the first rule for conversation 101: peoples' favorite topic is themselves. We are fascinated by our thoughts, our feelings, our situations and life events. We talk about ourselves to friends, to strangers, to colleagues and to bosses. We process endlessly and ruminate constantly about how things affect us. Have you ever stop to count the number of thoughts in your brain about yourself? Your opinions, your ideas? The number is staggering, trust me on this. Truly we all believe that we each are the center of the universe. Ok, maybe the Dalai Lama knows differently.

Given that peoples' favorite topic of conversation is themselves, it stands to reason that a person wants their listener's attention, acknowledgement and response to whatever is being said. In the scenario I presented above, I wanted my listener to acknowledge what I had just shared by some kind of comment or question which pertained to what I said. The comment or question didn't have to be profound, just attentive, showing some degree of interest on their part. By changing the subject and not commenting, I felt dismissed. Feeling dismissed and a bit dishonored didn't feel good at all. And I certainly did not want to then give my attention/interest to the rest of what that person was saying. In the actual conversation, I ended our talk pretty quickly after that.

In the second scenario, I, or any other member of the group, could have interrupted the two and refocused the conversation in a different direction. The two parties involved also could have recognized that they were involved in an intimate conversation not appropriate for a group setting.

Oh, it's all very complicated and all very easy at the same time. I'm sure your mother taught you not to interrupt someone when they're talking. Being quiet while someone else is speaking is an active state. Being quiet means listening to what they're saying and being engaged in the situation, i.e. being in the moment. Being here, being now, is a state very difficult to maintain for the average American. We're so use to doing, doing, doing that being feels a little awkward and foreign to us. Most people desire to be seen, to be heard, to count, to matter. Having great listening skills and communication skills go a long way to really connecting with people. If you reframe a comment someone else made, i.e. say in your own words what the other person just said, you demonstrate an understanding of that person. It's very simple really and helps to clarify that what the person said is what you heard. Asking a question shows interest. By the way, you may not know that the person asking questions holds the power. Many of us think that the person making statements has the power but in actuality the person asking the questions is guiding and commanding the conversation. It's very sneaky sometimes but true. Just ask a therapist or a life coach. Acknowledging what a person is going through (gosh, that sounds frustrating or wow, I'm so proud of you) demonstrates that you have empathy and sensitivity. In a world of so much electronic communication (like this e-blog), real connection is hard to come by.

Next time someone makes a comment about a personal situation, hold your tongue and wait for the pause. Then, ask a pertinent question or reframe what they just said or acknowledge the emotion(s) around their comments. Remember the saying (who said this anyway?): God give us 1 mouth and 2 ears, we should listen twice as much as we speak. Good advice for all of us.

In Health,

Laura