I should

I feel like Snow White and the 7 Dwarves except it's Laura and the 3 Pet Peeves. Here's another terrible phrase: "I should", a dreadful two words in my book. This phrase implies obligation, responsibility and directly conflicts with reality. Remember reality? Reality is your life, right now, in this instant. Having a desire or obligation or agenda in your brain, not currently present in your life and which you are not actively creating (more on this later) is a sure-fire way to shoot you yourself in the foot. And cause you umpteen times more stress and unhappiness. Great.

My point is that if you say "I should lose 20 lbs" and you're not active in your process of losing 20lbs, if you're just sitting there, munching Fritos and saying "I should lose 20lbs", I will say to you "who says you should lose 20lbs?" And I'll want an answer too missy. I'll then say "do you WANT to lose 20lbs? Why do you want to lose 20lbs?". What do I know, maybe you're happier eating Fritos. But your "I should" is directly contradicting your reality which is you're not losing 20 lbs. You're sitting on the damn couch eating Fritos and wishing for a magic wand. Or something.

What I do want to know (inquiring personal trainers need to know) is where this statement is coming from. Remember the post on forensic psychological archaeology? Consider me the Indiana Jones of the field. Except I don't crack a bull-whip or look as good in a fedora as Indy. Although he and I share a fear of snakes.....

If you look at this subject more deeply, I think you'll find that "I should" is the voice of one or both of your parents talking in your head. We think we should do something, be something or say something because your mom or dad (it doesn't have to be your parents, it could just as easily be your teachers, your grandparents, other authority figures) said so. Oh my gosh, then "I should" means letting someone else's beliefs run your life! Great.

How often is your self-talk littered with "I should"? If you can get past the sense of guilt and possibly shame with the "I should" thought, does thinking "I should" really help you to do, say, or to be whatever you're thinking you should? Put another way, is thinking "I should" an effective way to change?

Based on my personal experience with myself as well as my professional experience with clients and students, I say no "I should" is NOT an effective change agent.

I say it's very negative self-talk, designed to create a lot of suffering and keep you stuck in whatever situation you find yourself. Ick. Oh I suppose there'll be some person out in the world with some situation where thinking "I should" gets them going. OK, we'll allow for the edges of the bell curve. However for the vast majority of us, "I should" is almost paralyzing.

Remember Newton's law: a body at rest stays at rest i.e. it's easier to say in the situation you're in rather than change to a new situation.

If you want positive change in your life, I strongly suggest that you first observe your self-talk. How often do you think or say "I can't" "I should" "I'll try"? Before you decide to eliminate these phrases (a worthy goal by the way), just observe yourself and what comes out of your mouth. Noticing is a good first step.

Let me know how you do.

In Health and vigilant about rooting out my "I shoulds",

Laura